


The Help

by aftermathangel



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-01-11 22:03:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1178465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aftermathangel/pseuds/aftermathangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam goes to live with his rich Aunt who isn’t exactly happy to be adding an extra house guest. As miserable as she is he finds joy in spending time with the family of servants who live out back. Or more specifically spending time with their son.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This Is Me And I Won't Change

I got out of the car and stared at the huge house in front of me. I didn’t want to be here I wanted to be back in Indiana, back with my family. I stifled back a sob … that would never happen again. My parents and younger brother had died the month before in a terrible car accident. Since I was still only 15, they packed me up and sent me to live in Los Angeles with my uppity aunt who I had never met. When I got out of the car she walked outside. She looked like she was SOOO thrilled to have me there as she walked over and gave me a once over turning her nose up at my rocker apparel.

“You must be Adam … you can call me Auntie Katherine. We’ll have to take you shopping and get you out of umm that.” She gestured toward my clothes and grimaced.

“I don’t want to be rude but this is me. I don’t want to wear anything different.”

“Oh, well … your room is upstairs the 4th door on the left. I’ll have the butler Osmo, bring your bags up.”

I walked in the house and made my way into what was my new bedroom. It was all in shades of white … if only I could redesign it myself. A few minutes later a man walked in the room. He nodded at me politely and placed the bags on my bed. He started opening them and I gently put my hand on his arm. 

“Sir?”

“Please call me Adam. It’s ok I can put the stuff away myself.” He looked at me in disbelief thinking that it was probably some kind of trick. “Really, it’s ok.”

“Thanks sir err Adam.”

I thought I caught a smile before he left the room but he scurried out so quickly I couldn’t tell for sure. I started unpacking my stuff and about an hour later my Aunt walked back in the room.

“You had to put the stuff away yourself!?! OSMO!!!!!!!” She stormed out as I raced down the stairs behind her trying to get her to stop. He came out of nowhere and bowed down in from of her. “How DARE you not put away my nephews belongings you lazy swine!!!”

I ran down the stairs after her and got in between them.

“No don’t yell at him. I told him not to that I could do it myself. I wanted to do it myself.”

“You don’t do anything yourself THAT’S what he’s here for.”

She walked past kicking him hard in the shin. He crumpled to the ground in pain. I knelt down concern apparent on my face.

“Osmo … are you ok?”

“Yes … yes I’ll be fine.”

I had taken first aid in high school so I gently lifted up his pant leg and saw all the bruises. I quickly realized that wasn’t the first time it had happened.

“Does she hurt you all the time!?!”

“No, no I’m very clumsy. I fall a lot.”

He went to stand up and groaned out in agony. Gripping at the wall to steady himself.

“Where do you live?”

“The … servant housing out back.”

“Let me help you out there.” He went to protest but I gently grabbed onto him and helped him back to the house. The door opened as we approached and who I assumed to be his wife stood there. She quickly moved out of the way and I helped him toward his couch. I helped him sit and looked up at him. “Are you ok now?”

“Yes, thank you … Adam.”

“I’m so sorry she does this to you. You don’t deserve to be treated this way … nobody does. I better go I see you’re about ready to eat.”

“You can stay … you’re more than welcome.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes … yes please.” He looked over at his wife who nodded and brought another plate over to the table. Osmo limped over toward the table and he sat down and gestured to the chair next to him. I sat down and he smiled at me. “This is my wife Girlie and my son is here somewhere.” As if on cue the back door opened and a boy my age walked in. He had a basket of stuff picked from the garden with him and upon seeing me he froze. “Sauli … this is Miss Katherine’s nephew Adam. Adam this is my son Sauli.”

“Hi Sauli it’s nice to meet you.”

“Hello …”

His accent was so precious and his hair was blonde and fluffy on his head. There was just something about him that made my blood boil … but I doubted he was gay. And my being gay was certainly not going to be something that I was going to volunteer. Sauli sat at the empty seat next to me and Girlie brought over a tiny pot of vegetable soup. She put about a ½ a cup in each of their bowls and gave that plus the little extra that was left to me. Then she placed a slice of bread in from of each of us. I immediately felt regret for staying … they deserved to be able to eat their food. It would be rude to leave now though so I slowly ate the soup. Sauli was done with his and his stomach grumbled with hunger. I smiled at him and held out my slice of bread.

“Here you can have it.”

“No … no that’s ok.” He hesitated but finally took the slice of bread and slowly started nibbling on it. “Thank you.”

As he finished Osmo looked up at the clock.

“Sauli you best be getting that basket over to the house. It’s almost 6pm!”

Sauli quickly scrambled to grab the basket. I looked over at him and smiled.

“I can take it over. I’m heading that way anyway.” I reached out for it and Sauli gave me an extremely confused look as he handed the basket over. I turned toward everyone and smiled. “Thank you for dinner it was delicious. Where does this go, the kitchen?”

“No the back step, the one that leads to the kitchen.” Sauli looked at me with complete and utter shock on his face.

“The door by the garden?”

“Yes.”

I nodded and headed thru the gardens to the back stoop. I placed the basket by the door and walked around to the front of the house. As I walked in my Aunt was sitting on the couch by the door.

“Where were you dinner is almost ready I’ve been calling for you?”

“I took a walk. Auntie Katherine, can I ask you something?” She let out a long dramatic sigh of annoyance and gestured for me to continue with her hand. “Do you think I could redecorate my bedroom? It doesn’t feel much like home … I miss it so.”

“Fine, you make a list of what you want and I’ll go pick it up for you. Money is no object Now come on it’s time to eat.”


	2. I Can Help You

After dinner I went online and made a list of everything I would want and gave it to my Aunt. I was getting really tired so I curled up in bed and fell fast asleep. In the morning I went downstairs and got huge plate of breakfast foods from the kitchen, enough for me and all of Sauli’s family. I packed it in a basket and walked over to their little house. Girlie was outside hanging up laundry when I walked up. She saw me and smiled.

“Good morning Adam.”

“Good morning. I brought all of you some breakfast. It’s not much but … “

“Please, come in.” I walked in and she got 3 plates down. She noticed I was confused she only got three so she smiled. “Sauli is out in the gardens. That’s his job, he has to plant, prune, water, and harvest when things are ready. He goes out about 7:30a-8a and comes back around 4:30p-5p.”

“I’ll go take his food to him, I can sit out there and eat mine too.”

“I think he’ll like that.”

I started unpacking the food. I had a small pile of scrambled eggs, few slices of bacon, 2 sausage links, and 2 pieces of French toast for each person. Girlie looked at me with shocked eyes. I could tell it had been a LONG time since she had a breakfast like this. I left with the rest of the food and started roaming thru the gardens looking for Sauli. After about 10 minutes I heard him humming and walked over.

“Hi Sauli.” He jumped and nearly fell over backward. I put my arm behind him to steady him and he looked at me embarrassed. “You ok … sorry I didn’t mean to scare you.

“It’s ok …”

“Are you hungry? I brought you some breakfast. I thought we could find somewhere to sit and eat.”

As I talked he continued his watering and pruning in the small area we were standing in.

“Yeah but I can’t stop. I need to get done on time and I barely do as it is.”

“I can help you get caught up.”

As soon as the words left my mouth he stopped and looked at me in shock.

“You’d actually … do that?”

“Of course … come on.” We walked over toward the closest bench and I opened the box. When Sauli saw the sausage and bacon he gasped. “What?”

“We never … get meat, other than chicken that is and that’s only every spring. When the chickens breed we’re allowed to take 10 eggs to raise. Usually we only get 5 or 6 chickens though.”

He sat there and took his time enjoying every last bite. He looked me straight in the eyes and gave me a heartbreaking smile.

“That better?”

“Yes … thank you. I should’ve saved some for my parents though … that was selfish of me.” He gripped at his stomach in regret and I reached out gently touching his arm.

“No, I already dropped off plates of food for them as well. They had what we did.”

“Really?!? Oh Adam you don’t know how amazing that is. Thank you …”

“It’s not a problem. Come on you show me what needs to be done.” I spent the whole afternoon helping Sauli out and by the end of the afternoon it was like we were old friends laughing and joking with each other. I was walking with Sauli so he could drop off the basket at the back door. He placed it down and went to say goodbye. “Would you like to come inside and join me for dinner?”

“No I … I have to get back.” He put his head down and I gently lifted it. He looked at me with sad eyes. “I can’t Adam … I’m not allowed inside. I’ll see you tomorrow ok?”

When I got back inside I saw that my aunt had bought all the stuff I asked so I spent the rest of the night setting my room up thinking of Sauli the whole time.


	3. We'll Figure Out Something

Every morning I met back up with Sauli, he was the only sunshine I had left. On one morning a few months later when I walked out he was crouched on a bench wincing as he moved.

“What’s wrong?”

“I hurt my shoulder.”

“May I?” I placed my hand on his shoulder and he nodded. I stood behind him and massaged it. I was able to work the knot in his shoulder out and he relaxed. “That feel better?”

“Much …”

I smiled and handed him a bagel. After he finished he had his head down and was nervously shifting dirt with his foot.

“You’re so quiet today.” There was no response so I started massaging his shoulders again but from the front. I moved up to his neck and then to the sides of his face. A tear made its way down his cheek and I brushed it away with my thumb. “What’s wrong Sauli?”

“She hurt my father again last night. He has a bruised rib. I had to carry the firewood in this morning, that’s why my shoulder hurt.”

“Oh Sauli … I’m so very sorry. Does she ever hurt you?” He nodded and I immediately got defensive. I slowly clasped my arms around him holding him tight. “I’m not going to let her hurt any of you anymore. I’ll call the cops.”

Fear filled his face and he stood up immediately shaking. “You can’t!! We have nowhere to go … no money. We need to stay here this is all we know.”

“We’ll figure out something then … I promise.” Suddenly I felt his lips on my neck and I groaned in surprise. “That feels so good …”

He pulled away and smiled at me. I smiled back and cupped his hand in mine. We sat there in quiet for a moment and then he looked up at me.

“Why are you here? You aren’t like her … you’re special.”

“I had no choice … I lost my family. They died in a car accident a month before I came here. I don’t like her … not at all she wants to change me. She doesn’t like me dressing like this.”

“Adam … I’m so sorry I had no idea. You look handsome … don’t let her change you.”

He gently reached up and ran his fingers thru my hair. I stared into his eyes and before I knew what was happening our lips touched. It was just a little peck but it made electricity course thru my whole body. It felt AMAZING. I smiled and blushed as he looked down in shyness.

“Wow …” He giggled and I gently brushed my hand across his cheek. There was a rustle in the garden and it made both of us jump. “Come on I’ll help you get caught up again.”

We were getting all the work done when out of nowhere my aunt was behind us. Sauli gasped and froze in place.

“Miss Katherine I …”

“Adam!!! Why are you helping him?!?”

“He’s my friend. I like spending time with him and I help him so we can talk and he doesn’t fall behind.”

“No more you hear me!!! I don’t want you to associate with this … this filth. I will not allow it!!!!”

Anger filled my veins and I got up putting my finger in her face.

“He’s NOT filth. He is the nicest person in the world. His whole family is. They have more heart in their pinky fingers than you do in your whole body! You are just one nasty selfish bitch!!”

“Why you little bastard!” She punched me hard across the face and grabbed tightly onto my arm yanking me up to my room where she locked me in. “Don’t expect anything to eat either!!”

I sat there and felt warm liquid falling down my face and my nose was killing me. I walked into my bathroom and saw the blood seeping out my nose. Thank god the blood stopped and I popped a couple Tylenol. I don’t know how but I ended up falling asleep.


	4. I'll Never Forget You

In the morning I heard the door unlock and the cook Jenna walked inside with a tray.

“Here Katherine left for the weekend. I wasn’t about to make you starve so I swiped the key from her office.”

“Thank you. Is Sauli ok? How about Osmo and Girlie? She didn’t go after them did she?”

“No they’re fine. I just saw Sauli out in the gardens.”

She quickly took off and I walked outside to try to find Sauli. As I got to the back of the gardens he saw me and ran over.

“Are you ok?!?”

“I’ll be alright … my aunt is gone for the weekend. I think you should spend the night with me at the house.”

“You do, do you?”

He leaned down and kissed me again. God it felt AMAZING.

“Do your parents know about this?”

“Yeah … they’ve known I was gay for years. I told them that I really like you last night. They said they had a feeling.”

He blushed a bit in shyness and smiled at me. He was so absolutely precious.

“Want me to help so you can be done early?”

“No, you relax it’ll be ok. I don’t have much to do today because it rained last night. There’s not much to harvest.” He was done by 1:30pm so we went in the house and Sauli was in awe. I smiled and gently hooked his arm with mine leading him up to my room. We just curled up on the bed and started watching some movies. He leaned over and looked at me. “You know why your aunt called me filth don’t you?”

I stared with confusion for a moment but then it hit me.

“Because you’re gay?”

He nodded and cuddled up against me as I wrapped my arms around him. I started kissing him and he opened his mouth allowing my tongue access. It felt so good … so right. He pulled away and slid off his shirt then looked at me with his baby blue eyes looking for permission. I nodded and he slowly lifted my shirt off. He ran his hands all over my chest and peppered it with kisses. I groaned out and he giggled at me.

“Handsome Adam … so handsome.”

“You as well.”

He snuggled on my chest his lips attacking my neck with kisses. I sighed and found my hands on his ass gently squeezing it which caused moans of pleasure from him. Without warning he slid his hand down the front of my jeans cupping my cock and rubbing it.

“Sauli … shittt.”

“Want me to take good care of you?” I nodded fiercely and he gave me a brilliant smile as he slowly undid my belt. He slid off my jeans and blew hot air on my precum moistened groin. He then started kissing and licking at my thighs driving me absolutely crazy. He gently slid off my underwear and took me in his mouth. I thought I was going to die and it didn’t take long before I cried out and came hard down his throat. I couldn’t even speak … I was at a loss for words. He leaned over top of me with a smirk on his face. “Did you like that?”

“Oh my god yes. Do you want … the same?”

“If you want, or you can do something else …”

He looked at me shyly and I rubbed his cheek.

“What do YOU want?”

“I want you to have sex with you .... but I want you to be ready too.

“I am … I’ll do whatever you want.”

I gently flipped him onto his back and snuggled him. I undressed him and stretched him with my fingers while he cried in pleasure underneath me. I slowly inserted myself into him as he moaned.

“Oh fuckkkkk. Adammm”

I thrusted slowly and he kept moaning harder and faster so I gently lifted his legs up on my shoulders as I gave him everything I had. We both came simultaneously and I got up and got a warm washcloth to clean him up. We got redressed leaving our shirts off and I cuddled him close. He yawned and I gently rubbed his back.

“Sleep baby …”

It only took a few minutes before I heard gentle snores coming from him and I smiled at him as I fell fast asleep. I woke up to Sauli’s perfect lips kissing my cheek and neck.

“Good morning sleepyhead. It’s 9:30am”

“Morning … don’t you have work to do?”

“No it’s raining.”

“Let’s go have some fun then. I smiled at him and he got up so I could follow. We got dressed and I grabbed his arm. “Come on!”

We went running out in the driving rain and ran outside. We went to a nearby park and just sat and swung on the swings laughing and singing the whole time. I leaned over and fiercely kissed him. We climbed trees and picked apples and sat under an awning enjoying one each. We were out almost 3 hours and looked like drowned water rats. We walked home arm in arm a happy joyous mess. When we got back a cop car was there and Sauli’s parents were at the curb with all their worldly possessions. Sauli got scared and ran over.

“Mom … Dad what’s wrong?!?”

“Miss Katherine fired us … they are sending us back to Finland.”

Sauli walked over to the cop pleading in from of him. “No … I can’t go. Please!”

“Sorry you and your family have to go. Say goodbye to your friend.”

Sauli turned toward me and sobbed. I held him close and didn’t want to let him go.

“I’ll never forget you Sauli.”

“And I’ll never forget you … Adam”

The cop grabbed his arm and pulled him away from me putting him in the backseat of the cruiser. He pressed his face to the back window his tears making tracks down the window. All too soon the car was out of sight … taking the love of my life with it.


	5. Perfect ... So Perfect

As soon as I turned 18 I moved away from my aunt’s house and got a job in a musical. At age 27 I got a recording contract and I found myself in Finland a year later. I had never forgotten Sauli and his baby blues. I had a concert and afterward my band wanted to go to a bar. I was exhausted but I figured what the hell why not. I was sitting drinking a margarita and happened to look over to my left. There stood a guy with a familiar looking clump of blonde fluff on his head. No it couldn’t be him … even if it was he probably wouldn’t remember me it HAD been 10 years. He turned and I could tell it definitely was Sauli. He looked more grown but he still had his boyish charm about him. I made my way over and gently put my hand on his shoulder. He was laughing with his friends and he turned and his mouth dropped in surprise before a smile spread across his face.

“You remember me …”

“Of course I do Adam! How are you? Why are you here?”

“I’m ok … I’m a singer now. I had a concert here tonight. How are you doing?”

“Wow a singer I’m so happy for you. I’m doing great! My dad started his own construction company and I work for him and at a clothing boutique.”

“It’s really good to see you Sauli … I never thought I would see you again.”

I wanted to hug him so badly but I didn’t know his situation and if he was even single anymore. While I was contemplating making the first move he wrapped his arms around me pulling me close.

“I missed you Adam …”

“I missed you too … so very much. Do you want to come back to my hotel with me?”

“I uhh … sure. Just give me a minute ok?”

I nodded and watched as Sauli walked over to the bar tapping some guy on the shoulder. He turned toward him and Sauli spoke to him a moment kissing him before returning to me. I was upset but what did I expect. A catch like him couldn’t stay single forever hoping his long lost love would one day return. Sauli could tell by the look on my face that I saw.

“Sauli … you don’t have to come back with me it’s ok. It was really nice to see you again.”

“No Adam … it’s fine I’d love to come back with you. We have a lot to catch up on.”

We both headed back toward the hotel. It was walking distance from the club so we just traveled on foot. I could see some flashbulbs going off so I grabbed Sauli’s arm as I quickened my pace. We finally got into the hotel and once in the elevator I let go of his arm.

“Sorry … I didn’t want them to start any more crap than they probably already did.”

“No it’s ok Adam … really.” I opened up the suite door and allowed Sauli to walk in first. It was the penthouse so it was absolutely gorgeous. He just stood there in awe of everything. “I’ve never seen a hotel room like this … it’s amazing.”

“Yeah … I guess.” I sighed and walked over to the couch plopping down on one of the cushions. Sauli gave me a sad look and sat next to me.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m just lonely Sauli … for a moment there I thought that you’d be single and we could go back to the way things were. I was being selfish …” He didn’t say anything he just sat there for a moment. We both sat in awkward silence until Sauli’s phone buzzed loudly with an incoming text. He looked at the screen a moment and then put it down. I could sense sadness apparent on his face. I gently reached up and moved his head so he was facing me. “You seem so sad … what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing Adam … I don’t want to get you involved in my drama. I’m sure you have enough on your plate already.”

“I want to know … please tell me?”

He paused a moment staring at the floor instead of my face.

“My boyfriend doesn’t know that I know that he’s cheating on me … has been for the last 8 months. I just act like there’s nothing wrong. I’m lonely too Adam. He’s a cheater but at least when he’s there he’s a warm body to sleep next to. Someone who I can talk to that listens to me … like really listens. The text was from one of my friends he called the other guy over to the club now that I left. He doesn’t even try to hide it anymore and that’s what kills me more than anything … it breaks my heart.”

“He doesn’t deserve you … you’re a gem Sauli and if he can’t see that he’s a damn fool.” He looked at me and got up snuggling up on my lap. I just held him close letting him know exactly how much I loved and missed him. I could feel his lips on my neck and I gently craned it backward giving him better access. He pulled away and met our lips in a passionate kiss. I pulled away and gave him a questioning look. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“Mmm hmm … how about we recreate our night alone at your aunt’s house? If you remember that is …”

He smirked and got up dragging me over to the bed. I lifted him onto the bed and got on top of him littering his lips and jawline with kisses. I slid off his shirt and moved downward kissing at his taunt abdomen. Before I knew it I was inside of him thrusting wildly as Sauli moaned in pleasure. After, I collapsed on the bed bringing him onto my chest once we both had slid our pants back on. He gave me one of his precious smiles that I remembered like they were yesterday.

“That good baby?”

“Perfect … so perfect.”

He ran his fingers thru my hair and kissed my lips before snuggling up close.

“You staying the night here?”

“As long as it’s ok with you …”

“Always Sauli …”


	6. I Want To Know Everything

When I woke up in the morning Sauli was gone. I sat up and stretched looking around the room. “Sauli?”

There was no response so I got up and when I did I saw a note on the table. I walked over and picked it up to read it.

 _Adam_ ,

_Went to go pick up breakfast for us I’ll be back in a bit._

_Sauli_

I smiled and about 5 minutes later the door unlocked. Sauli walked in foodless and looking completely frazzled. He walked over and stopped in front of me.

“There are cameras EVERYWHERE! They knew we were in the hotel room together. They took so many pictures of me … I’m sorry I tried to get away from them.”

“It’s ok Sauli you don’t need to be sorry. I’m sorry you had to deal with them. It’s ok come here.”

He walked over and sat on my lap before I wrapped my arms around him. I gently ran my fingers thru his hair as he snuggled his head against my neck. I knew that I had to leave very soon but I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay here with Sauli. He must’ve been able to feel me tense up and he gently reached up and caressed my cheek.

“So tense … what’s wrong?”

Me: I have to leave tonight. I have a show in Paris tomorrow. I don’t want to go ... I want to stay here. All snuggled up under the covers, I just want to be with you.

“Hey it’s ok … we’ll keep in touch. Promise …”

I sighed and just looked him in the eyes.

“It’s not the same as being able to hold you in my arms. Now that I found you again I never want to be without you. They took you away from me once I don’t want anything like that to happen again.  I wish you could come with me … but it’s just not feasible right now. I’m bouncing all over the place and it’s not fair to make you leave your life behind when I won’t be able to spend much time with you anyway.”

“We’ll make it work … I promise. Do you have enough time before you go to come see my parents? They’d love to see you.”

“Of course.” I got dressed and I called for a car to meet us around back. I wanted to try to get away from the paparazzi and fans if at all possible. We got lucky and were able to sneak away for the hour drive north. I spend the whole ride with Sauli snuggled up under my arm with his head on my chest. He was so precious and I couldn’t believe he was in my life again. “You look the same just more mature …. you are still absolutely gorgeous.”

“You as well baby. I can’t believe it’s been 10 years.”

“Me either … sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.”

We arrived at a small white stucco house and Sauli got out of the car and grabbed my arm. He unlocked the door and ushered me inside before shutting it behind us.

“Sauli dear is that you?”

“Yeah mom.”

“I’m in the kitchen sweetheart come eat something. I just made egg pasties.” We both walked into the kitchen and upon seeing me she froze. She got a huge smile on her face and walked over throwing her arms around me. “Oh my god Adam! How are you sweetheart?!? What are you doing here?!?”

“I’m ok … I’m a singer I had a concert in Helsinki last night.”

“How long are you here for? Osmo would love to see you but he’s out of town till the morning on business.”

“Oh I leave at 8pm … have to catch a flight to Paris. I have a concert tomorrow.”

I frowned and Sauli walked over wrapping his arms around me from behind and tenderly kissing my ear.

“It’ll be ok Adam …” Girlie just looked at Sauli and smirked. I could tell that she hated the guy that Sauli was currently with. “Yes mom I’m finally kicking Mika to the curb … he’s been cheating on me for 8 months now. I just didn’t want to be alone. Now I won’t have to be … ever.” We all sat and talked until I had to leave. Sauli was living at his parent’s house so it would’ve been stupid for him to head back to Helsinki with me only to have to catch a train back up north. I didn’t want to leave and tears started running down my cheeks. “Addy … you have my facebook and my phone number. You can call, facetime, or message me 24/7 baby. I’ll never get sick of seeing a new message or hearing your voice. You have a fun trip ok. You’ll have to tell me all about your shows and how they go. I want to know everything.”

He gave me a kiss and I lifted him up wrapping my arms around him. He giggled and I smiled at him before leaving for the airport. They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder and I was about to put that to the test.


	7. I'm Not Handsome, Not Now

** 2 1/2 years later **

I could hear a whirring noise coming from the kitchen and I put the pillow over my head to muffle it. I really didn’t feel like getting up this morning. The whirring stopped and the clanking of glasses followed. Soon footsteps traveled toward the room and laughter bounced off the walls.

“Oh my … such a sleepy baby this morning. Come on Addy time to get up. I made breakfast for you …” I slowly moved the pillow from on top of my face and sleepily blinked at Sauli. My perfect angel … he had made the last 2 years of my life since he moved back to LA with me absolutely amazing. He made everything in my crazy life seem worthwhile. I sat up and stretched and Sauli set the tray on the nightstand before climbing into bed next to me. “Good morning my handsome love.”

“Sauli … I’m not handsome, not now …”

“Addy you’re always handsome to me … always will be. I made you a kale and peach smoothie and an egg white omelet.” I didn’t say anything I just took the food from him and started to eat. A couple days before I had walked a red carpet and the media had made no qualms of telling me I gained weight. Sauli had given me the space that I needed when I was in one of my moods but I could tell he just wanted to comfort me. After I finished eating Sauli started running his fingers through my hair. I had been wearing a t-shirt to bed the last few nights and he started to slide it upwards. I resisted and he frowned at me. “Please?”

I hesitantly allowed him to pull my shirt off, clenching my arms across my chest. He grabbed at them attempting to yank them apart.

“No Sauli …” I grunted holding them together tighter the more he pulled at them.

“Addy … it’s just me here. How many times have I seen you naked? You’re so stubborn sometimes.”

“I don’t want you to right now ok STOP!!!” My sudden change in volume made him jump and he gave me a quick look before getting up and walking out of the room. I felt bad that I had made him leave … I just felt so self-conscious. About 30 minutes later I got up and walked into the living room area. There was no sign of Sauli anywhere. “Sauli … where are you? Look I’m sorry I yelled can you come here?”

I walked around the condo looking for him but he had left. As I walked into the kitchen I noticed that there was a bouquet of roses on the counter and a card addressed to me. I walked over and opened it.

_Adam,_

_I love you more than words could ever say. You are EVERYTHING to me. The day you found me in Finland was the best day of my life so far. Every morning when I wake up and see you snuggled next to me it makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world. You are so handsome and I’ll tell you that every day for the rest of our lives if that’s what it takes for you to believe me. Happy Anniversary Adam and here’s to many more!_

_All my love, Sauli_

I couldn’t believe that I forgot that our anniversary was today. I had been in such a funk the last week I lost track of days. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Sauli’s number. After a few rings a female voice answered. I could tell immediately that it was his friend Pia.

_“Sauli’s in the bathroom. He’ll call you back. We’re at The Grove”_

_“Oh ok … well I bet you guys are going to be there for a while so I guess I’ll just talk to him later tonight then.”_

_“You can come out and meet us if you want? We’re heading to lunch before we do some retail therapy.”_

_“I don’t know, it’s hard for me to … nevermind I’ll be there in 15 minutes. Where are you going to eat?”_

_“Maggiano’s.”_


	8. I Don't Think This Is Going To Work

I quickly got dressed and tried to disguise myself the best I could. It was pretty much just sweats, a t-shirt, sunglasses, and a baseball cap. About 20 minutes later I got to the mall and parked before walking over to Maggiano’s. I went inside and saw Pia and Sauli so I walked over. It was obvious they didn’t think I’d actually show because they were sitting at a 2 person booth. I walked up behind them and could hear a little bit of their conversation.

“So if you’re not happy then tell him Sauli …”

“I don’t want to hurt him Pia. He just shuts me out all the time anymore and I can’t even talk to him. It’s either that or he’s away god knows where … he’s hardly ever home anymore. He tries to talk me into going with him but why. When I do it’s not like he can spend time with me anyway. I love him so much. He’s been so down on himself lately and I just don’t know what to do. He gets himself into this little headspace and there is no getting him out of it. He’s so damn stubborn. He even forgot that our anniversary was today …”

I could tell that Sauli had started crying and Pia just turned to him and put her arms around him.

“Oh sweetheart … I’m sure he didn’t mean to. He just has a lot on his mind that’s all.”

Just then a waiter needed to walk through so I moved out of the way. When I did Sauli saw that I was there.

“Adam what … why are you here?”

“I called to see where you were and Pia invited me but I guess it turns out you don’t want me here anyway.”

I just turned and walked out of the restaurant I was about to my car when Sauli ran up behind me and grabbed my arm.

“No … don’t go. She didn’t say you were coming.”

“Oh ok because you didn’t know I was going to be there that means it’s ok to talk about me behind my back right?”

My voice was raised a bit and Sauli immediately broke down not wanting to fight his voice weakened and submissive.

“I needed to vent to someone Adam, you’re not there anymore ….”

Tears spilled down his cheeks and it broke my heart. I immediately felt regret for snapping the way I did.

“I’m sorry Sauli … you have a good day with Pia ok? I’ll see you later. Happy anniversary …”

I hesitated waiting for Sauli to walk over and give me a hug , kiss, hell anything … but he simply turned and walked back inside. I decided that I was going to go home and make him a dinner that he would never forget. So I went to the store and got everything I needed. By 7pm everything was finishing up cooking and I had the table set up with candles and fancy dinnerware. I pulled out my phone and called  Sauli after a few rings he answered.

_“Hey when will you be home?”_

_“Won’t be till late having drinks with the Finns.”_

_“Can you not and come home? I can come get you if you need a ride?”_

_“We’re in Anaheim.”_

_“Please Sauli? I have a surprise for you.”_

_“Alright fine … I’ll get someone to drive me home.”_

At about 8pm everything was done so I plated everything and carried it to the table waiting for him to arrive. Soon 9pm came … and then 10pm. Finally about 10:30pm he walked in the door with Pia and two of their other friends carrying bottles of alcohol. He saw the table set up and noticed that I had fallen asleep a pool of my tears on the tablecloth. I heard the noise and sat up looking over at him. When I saw that they were with him I got up and walked into the bedroom.

“Help yourselves to the food … I’m not hungry anymore.”

I curled up in bed and I could hear Sauli’s friends laughing and joking out there but I couldn’t hear Sauli. Not even a few minutes later there was a knock on the bedroom door and Sauli walked in closing it behind him. He just stared at me for a moment before he spoke.

“You made dinner?”

Me: Yeah … I wanted to surprise you. I had candles and everything … I wanted tonight to be special. That’s why I asked if you would come home. Busted my ass all afternoon and then you never showed. I can’t even spend the last few hours of the night with my boyfriend because you had to bring THEM here.”

He could tell I’d been crying so he walked over and sat down next to me on the bed.

“We really need to talk. I don’t think … this is going to work anymore.”

“What isn’t going to work?”

“Us Adam.”

“You’re … breaking up with me?!?” I was in total disbelief it was as if this was coming completely out of left field.

“I think it’s for the best don’t you? You’re always busy or distant and I want to be with someone who is there for me. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love you … I love you more than anything in the world. That’s why this needs to be done.”

I couldn’t talk I couldn’t move I was just frozen in one spot and it sounded like a freight train was roaring past my ears. Just then the bedroom door swung open and Sauli’s friends were standing there laughing.

“Hey Sauli aren’t you coming back out here to party?”

“Get out … get the fuck OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!!!”

They all stopped laughing and slowly retreated out of the room. Sauli got up and walked back into the living room. I assumed that he’d leave with them but I heard the door shut and he walked back in the bedroom. I was curled against the headboard literally shaking.

“Adam …”

“Just … go …”

Sauli just haphazardly grabbed some of his stuff and left.


	9. I'll Never Forgive Myself For That

I pretty much just stayed in bed for the next two weeks staring at the wall. I didn’t eat or drink much, just enough to keep me alive if only to suffer longer. I didn’t answer calls, texts, or messages and people were started to get worried. It was exactly 15 days later and there was banging on my door. I heard someone trying to get a key in the lock but I had the locks changed so they were failing. I thought they’d give up but they kept knocking increasing in intensity as the time drew on. Finally my headache had enough so I walked over and opened the door. Sauli was standing behind it.

“Can I come in?”

I moved aside answering his question without speaking a word. I walked into the living room and curled up in one of the chairs. Sauli sat down across from me as my stomach let out a wretched grumble from hunger. I avoided eye contact with Sauli and suddenly he was right in front of me yanking my shirt upwards.

“What the fuck!!”

He ran his hand across my flesh feeling exactly how much weight I’d lost.

“Adam …” He looked me in the eyes and saw how dead and broken they looked. If I had been ‘distant’ before I was totally checked out now. “Will you eat something if I make it for you?”

“Not hungry …” I grunted looking away from him.

“Adam you can’t do this. It’s not healthy.”

“Does it look like I give a fuck about myself?”

“Well I care about you …” He walked over to the kitchen and started making something. I couldn’t see exactly what it was and at that point I couldn’t care less. He walked back over and I could see that he made me an omelet with bacon and green pepper. He held it in front of me and I just ignored him. “Adam eat!” He loaded up a fork with it and held it at my lips. I sighed and took it from the fork. He went to hand me the bowl and my arms were so weak I couldn’t even hold the bowl up. Everything just felt like mush. Sauli sat next to me and fed me the rest. Tears spilled down my cheeks and he softly made ‘shh’ noises as he wrapped his arms around me rubbing my back. “I hate that I made you feel this way …”

“No you didn’t make me feel like this. I … I hurt you Sauli and I’ll never forgive myself for that. You are my, everything and I … let you … down. I’m so sorry Sauli … I’m so sorry.” I just broke down and Sauli curled up on my lap wrapping his arms tightly around me to get me to calm down. I wrapped my arms around him and just held him against me letting my tears soak his t-shirt. Months and months of pent up emotions and self-doubt being washed away. It was about 20 minutes later that I finally was able to calm myself down. Sauli dried my eyes and kissed my forehead. He had been trying to get me to let go of my emotions for months and of course now everything comes out. He just stayed there curled up, his head resting over my heart like he always had before. “Sauli ….?”

There was no answer and I realized that he had fallen asleep. I didn’t know whether to wake him or not but he looked so innocent … I couldn’t disturb him. Having him snuggled on me relaxed me and I too drifted off to deep sleep for the first time since he left.


	10. Forgiveness

When I woke up Sauli wasn’t snuggled up on me anymore but I could smell something yummy from the kitchen. He must’ve heard me stir, because he walked into the living room and gave me a small smile.

“You’re awake … I made dinner. Want me to feed you?”

I weakly nodded and a few minutes later he walked into the room with a tray full of food. He had made kale salad, baked chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, and chocolate lava cake.  He fed me everything and then took the tray into the kitchen. I followed him in and walked up behind him at the sink. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and rested my chin on his shoulder. He smiled and backed up against me.

“You can leave the dishes … I’ll wash them later. I’m sure you want to get going.”

“I don’t have to … if you don’t want.” He turned toward me and gently reached up running his hand through my hair. “I love you so much Adam … I just want to be a bigger part of your life. I’ve felt so disconnected. I don’t want you to be afraid to let me in … to let me see you. I don’t want you to let what people who don’t even matter get to you. You give peoples’ words too much weight. You are so handsome baby but now I have to fatten you up … get your strength back. Maybe we could try to make this work?”

I gently leaned up and kissed his lips before rubbing his cheek.

“I’m sorry Sauli … I’ll do better. I promise I’ll do better. I love you Sauli Eerik Koskinen …”

“I love you too Addy.” 

Right then I felt blessed to be with someone who had the ability to forgive. It was going to be a bumpy road and I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I was willing to start making changes to be sure I always had him in my life. He was my, everything and I wasn’t going to take him for granted ever again


End file.
